“No,” I say again, with as much might and strength as I’ve ever had. “I will not marry you, Hadrian. Not like this. To solve a problem? Without a ring?” He tries to interject, but I mow right over them. “I’ve done that before. That’s not what marriage is supposed to be. That’s not what love is supposed to be.
“And yes, I heard you. The ratings are a bonus, but you shouldn’t be thinking about ratings at all when you’re planning the rest of your life. And I’m sorry if this stings, but all of this is selfish. Have you ever given up something for someone else? Have you ever truly sacrificed? That’s what love is, Hadrian. Real love. I know because I haven’t had real love before, and what you’re offering looks like a carbon copy of what I already have. I. Want. Something. Different. I deserve something different.”
“Okay, okay. You’re right.” To his credit, Hadrian stays on the floor, sitting now. Doesn’t try to usurp this one moment of power that I’ve finally stumbled into. “It doesn’t mean I don’t want to marry you, but you’re right. It’s not the right time, and it was shitty to think I could use it for personal gain. But I mean it when I say I love you, and I need you in my life, so tell me what I can do to prove that. Tell me what I can say that will have you walking out the door with me when I leave.”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “I think that’s the point of proving it, Hadrian. It needs to be authentic, and that means I can’t tell you what it is.”
He stares at me with shadowed eyes, trying to figure me out when I’m not even sure if I’ve figured out myself. “You’re saying this can’t be solved tonight. You need time.”
“I don’t need time, necessarily. I need…” I turn away from him, and r*b my eyes, hoping if he isn’t there to distract me, I’ll have a better chance at seeing what I need. It’s all been laid out for me for so long by Elvis, I haven’t had to think about it on my own, and all those plans were centered around career. Around the career Elvis wanted me to have, and me too, but for me, it was always more important that I earned it. Then Hadrian came along, and offered me the sky, but at a price I shouldn’t have had to pay, and how can that kind of start not taint our future? How can he ever hope to prove anything to me when I’m still as tangled up in our wrongs as he is?
Then it hits me.
I lower my hands from my face, but I can’t turn back to face him. “I can’t host the show anymore.”
He lets out a laugh of disbelief. “You don’t mean that.”
“No, I really do.” I take a deep breath and turn around. “It’s poisoned. All of it.”
“It’s not, Brystin. Don’t do this. You’re overreacting. You deserve the show.”
“I do deserve the show. Just like I deserve love. But right now, I don’t believe any of it’s genuine. How can I? Elvis used me to get the show. You used me to get your ratings. You claim to love me—I need something I can believe, Hadrian. This isn’t it.”
“Please, honeybee. Please, don’t do this.” He leans forward so he’s on his knees again, and he truly looks like he’s pleading.
He looks so desperate, I’m almost shattered.
Tears threaten, but I will myself to be strong. If he can love me after this, if he can still want me after I’ve taken something big from him…
It’s not my reason for doing this, but it would be an added benefit.
Oh, the irony.
“It’s done. I quit. I’m not going back there.”
“Is it Elvis? Is that it? I’ll have him fired.”
I’m not even tempted, though it would be nice to see the rug get pulled from under his feet, especially when Elvis definitely didn’t deserve it.
“It’s not just him. It’s you too. And it’s me.” The more I think about it, the more I talk it out, the more convinced I am that this is what I want. “It’s not real, Hadrian. I’m a joke, Hadrian. You made me a joke. People are tuning in to see what it is you see in me, waiting for me to fail, and I know you say they’ll stay, but no, they won’t. The people looking for gossip aren’t going to be interested in what I have to say about the nation’s problems. Not unless I change my messaging format, and that’s not what I want. This isn’t who I want to be. I didn’t work this hard, to get here.”
I see when he finally gets that I’m serious.
He stands, his business face on. “You can’t quit without notice, Brystin. You have a contract. Who will go on tomorrow night? Everyone will be inconvenienced.”
I throw my head back with a laugh. “You didn’t care about New Jersey Now when you got me fired, and the crew had to scramble. Somehow the show went on.”
“You’ve made your point. I get it. You want to get even, but let’s be real here.”
“It’s not about getting even, Hadrian.” My voice rises with frustration. “I can’t be there anymore. I won’t do it. I won’t.”
My words hang in the air, and I watch Hadrian’s emotions wrestling on his features. Each time compassion cuts through the dark of his eyes, his jaw tightens, the line of his mouth straightens.
“You have a contract,” he repeats, eventually, seemingly unable to separate the man from the CEO.
“You have the ability to override it. Don’t say that you don’t.”
His exp**ssion is hard now. “Give me one reason why I should.”
It’s not the route I wanted to go, but I pull out my ace. “Because I was offered the job in exchange for sexual favors.”
Hadrian might never face the consequences of a sexual assault charge, but I’m certain the accusation could get me out of my contract.
“You wouldn’t.” He’s steel now, so hard that I can barely see the man I’m in love with through the façade, and I’m not sure that he doesn’t mean it as a threat.
How did we get to this?
We’re so far from the two people we were when he walked in the room. Dying to narrow the distance bet**en us, I cross to him and place my palms on his arms. “I won’t need to, Hadrian. Because you’ll let me go. Because you love me.”
He hesitates for the briefest moment before giving in and wr*pping his arms around me and leaning his forehead on mine. “Will this prove it to you? Will you believe me if I let you do this?”
“It’s a start.”
He closes his eyes tight, and shakes his head back and forth against mine.
When he opens them again, he grips my shoulders and bends down until we’re eye to eye. “This is crazy, Brystin. You want me to let you make the worst career move of your life to prove I love you? It’s really f**king hard to believe that’s what love looks like.”
“Love is messy like that sometimes. Sometimes it looks like a man marrying a woman just so she can be near her kid. Sometimes it looks like a man supporting a woman’s decision, whether he thinks it’s right or not, because she knows it’s what she needs.”
Pain shoots across his face. “f**k, Brystin. You’re killing me.” He crashes his mouth against mine, and it’s the sweetest, most brutal k**s I’ve had in my life. “It’s career suicide,” he says when he breaks away. “What will you do?”
“It’s not career suicide. I can go back to local.”
“It’s the wrong direction.”
“I’ll figure it out, Hadrian.”
“Can I figure it out with you?”
I think about it for longer than I need to. “I need to figure this out by myself. And you have some things to figure out too. Your job, for example. What you’re going to do next to get real ratings.”
“What to do to prove you belong with me.”
I wipe a stray tear from my eye. “You still want me after this?”
“Oh, honeybee.” He k**ses me again, softly. “I want you even more.”
“Then you’ll figure it out.”
I almost believe he really will. Maybe he was right when he said I needed time, because only time will tell.
We hold each other for long minutes.
Then he lets me go in pieces. First, our torsos part. The space grows bet**en our l*ps. He drops his arms to hang them awkwardly at his sides. Finally, he tears his eyes from mine.
My heart, he takes with him.
And it takes everything in me not to run after him when he leaves.
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.
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